i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
