3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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