it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just invented taco cereal.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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