I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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