HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
either way he was missing a nipple.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
