I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
