just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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