Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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