my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
