So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
