Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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