He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
