Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
