I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
