You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
