We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
