You made me cry and you don't even care
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
