oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
