i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
