I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
