Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
