saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
