Whod you bang
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
