i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
