I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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