im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
