I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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