He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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