If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
