we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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