Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
