All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
