my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
