If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
ttyl tear gas
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
