seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
