she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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