My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
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When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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