Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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