Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
