My cat gives me a boner
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
