even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
