life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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