I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
