Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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