I met the friendliest cop last night
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.