I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
