It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.