Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I came so hard my ears popped.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
