I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.