If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize