I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Text me some of your sweat
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
