i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
