if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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