Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
