I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
