oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
