I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
