Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
