He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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