I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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