Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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